With blessings to Beau Bo D’Or
for the graphic, and with apologies to Moses:
"And they took their journey from Bradford, Birmingham, Leicester and Slough, and all the congregation of the children of New Labour came from the wilderness of the United Kingdom, which is between Europe and America, on the nineteenth day of the second month after the markets had given their emphatically damnable response to the banking bailouts.
And the whole congregation of the children of New Labour murmured against the GORD in the wilderness:
And the children of New Labour said, Would to God we had not replaced Tony who is now exalted in the land of Barack, yea, all over the world, when we enjoyed an economic boom, and when we did enjoy impressive poll leads; for ye have brought us forth into this recession, to kill this whole assembly with credit crunch and repossession.
Then said the GORD, Behold, I not only saved the world, but I shall devise a rescue package which will stem the slide into recession and depression. I will rain cash upon the economy and spread it unto you; and the people shall go out and enjoy a low interest rate every day, yea, even zero per cent, that I may prove them, whether they will vote Labour, or no.
And Alastair said unto all the children of the United Kingdom, these bailouts are surely working, but they need a little assistance. The Mammon markets are frozen because there is none who hath confidence. We shall renew this confidence. Then ye shall know that the GORD hath brought you out from the land of recession and depression:
And in the morning, then ye shall see the glory of the GORD; for that he heareth your murmurings:
And Alastair said, The policy response of some worldly governments hath been back to front. If they solved the underlying problem, liquidity shall eventually return, yea, even flow like honey. This shall be, when the GORD shall give you in the evening cash to pay thy mortgage and more cash to feed thine offspring, and in the morning very good opinion polls; for that the GORD heareth your murmurings which ye murmur against him:
And Alastair spake unto Peter, Say unto all the congregation of the children of the United Kingdom, Come near before the GORD: for he hath heard your murmurings.
And it came to pass, as Peter spake spin unto the whole congregation of the children of the United Kingdom, that they looked toward Number 10, and, behold, the glory of the GORD appeared in the ozone.
And the GORD spake unto Alastair, saying,
I have heard the murmurings of the children of the United Kingdom: speak unto them, saying, some time next month, or the month after that, or even the month after that, but certainly before the next general election, ye shall have cash, and shed loads of it, for there shall be deep interest rate cuts followed by quantitative easing, and ye shall know that I am the GORD your Prime Minister, who saved the world.
And it came to pass, that billions of pounds fell from heaven, and covered the country: and in the morning the low interest rates lay round about the plentiful cash, deep and crisp and even.
And when the low interest rates that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a look of perplexion, as confused and worried as a prime minister on the skids.
And when the children of New Labour saw it, they said one to another, It is Mammon: for they wist not what it was, for that had not wist it since Tony had departeth. And Alastair said unto them, This is the cash which the GORD hath given you and your constituents to spend.
This is the thing which the GORD hath commanded, Gather of it every man according to his mortgage, at least a couple of thousand for every man, according to the number of your family living in relative poverty, and more if ye live in a key marginal; take ye every man for them which are in the Northern Rock tents, for, yea, the feel-good factor must return.
And the children of the United Kingdom did so, and gathered, some more, some less. But mostly some more, for they were Thatcher’s children, and knew a good thing when they saw it.
And when they did grab their thousands, he that gathered much had nothing over, and he that gathered little had no lack, for the government bailed out all of them, prudent and imprudent alike, without distinction; they gathered every man according to his mortgage.
And Alastair said, Let no man leave of it till he be persuaded of the GORD.
And the children of the United Kingdom had not a clue what he was talking about; and the children of the tribe of New Labour knew not neither, and neither did they care. Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto Alastair; but some of them left of it until the morning, and it caused price increases, which is known as inflation, and it stank across the land: and Alastair was wroth with them.
And they gathered it every morning, every man according to his mortgage and the rest: and when the sun waxed hot, they spent it all; and when the moon waxed cold, they spent it all. Night and day was it spent, like water flooding the land.
And it came to pass, that on the sixth month they gathered twice as much cash, four thousand for each child, and still more in the key marginals: and all the members of the New Labour came and told Alastair that the current stream of government initiatives is wreaking havoc with inflation and public sector finances.
And he said unto them, This is that which the GORD hath said, Tomorrow there shall be jam, and the day after, and the day after that. And if there be no jam, ye shall lose thy seats at the next general election.
And they shut up promptly, as he bade: and it did not stink, neither was there any worm therein.
But it did really, and the worms were bountiful. And Alastair said, Spend today; for tomorrow is the election unto the GORD: thou canst spend then also, but do not put off spending until tomorrow what thou canst spend today.
And the GORD said unto the children of the United Kingdom, How long refuse ye to spend thy way out of recession and depression?
See, for that the GORD hath given you cash, therefore spend like there be no tomorrow; abide ye every consumer in his consuming, let no man or woman or child or unborn not spend what he, she or it doth not yet possess.
So the people went on a shopping spree with the cash that had fallen from nowhere.
And the house of the United Kingdom called the name thereof Mammon from Heaven: and it was like euros, with lots of bridges, windows and doors; and the smell of it was like returning to the years of Tony.
And Alastair said, This is the thing which the GORD commandeth, Fill thy bank account with it but not to be kept for your generations; that ye may see today the new car, the new hi-fi and the new plasma telly wherewith I have provided for you, when I brought you forth from the land of recession and depression.
And Alastair said unto Peter, Take some pot, and put a few thousand of Mammon therein, and lay it up before the GORD, to be kept for his final salary pension.
As the GORD commanded Alastair, so Peter laid it up before the Treasury, to be kept.
And the children of the United Kingdom did spend Mammon forty weeks, until they came to a land inhabited by another tribe; they did spend Mammon, until they came unto the borders of the land of the children of the Conservatives. But there was a stench of inflation in the land, yea, uncontrollable hyper-inflation, for the fat years had consumed the lean and just about everything else besides.
And David much pleased the LORD..."
(To be continued)